


roses + salt

by okamiwind



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Grief/Mourning, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 08:43:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19866757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okamiwind/pseuds/okamiwind
Summary: baekhyun's google search history includes various items, most recent being "how do you rewrite wedding vows into a eulogy"





	roses + salt

**Author's Note:**

> popped a major character death + the mature tag on this even tho the death is not explicit and even tho there's no sex. just a lot of depression, lmao, just wanted you to be prepared if this sort of thing is upsetting to u

No one tells you that death smells like roses, that it tastes like salt. 

He stands directly next to the casket, for he is the vanguard. People hold him for hours on end. People he doesn’t know, people he _does_ know. They all hold him close. Ear against his cheek. Hands on his upper back, on the back of his neck. They whisper things to him, sad things. Things he didn’t want to hear so soon. _He was so special. He had such a beautiful soul. I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t know what to say._

Baekhyun can’t say anything, just stands there with tears streaming down his face. He thought it would stop at some point. It doesn’t stop. It never will. 

Baekhyun thought they had forever. And if the world was a fair place, they should have had forever. 

His face is beautiful, frozen, but Baekhyun can’t look at him for too long. He once told Sehun that he would be able to look at him until the end of time itself. He’s been wrong before, but this time, it hurts much worse. 

The wedding band is on his finger, and in Baekhyun’s head, he recites the vows he never got to say. _And I wish I said yes to a winter wedding. I regret saying no now. Now, the heat is unbearable, and I have 125 plates of chicken or steak with no one to say yes to._

At the end of the night, he goes home, and no one is touching him any longer. There is no one beside him. It is just him because he is alone. 

The quiet is cold, and he wraps himself tighter in blankets. They smell of roses, and all he can taste is the salt.  
  


∅

  
  
There is still so much to deal with. He groans. How is he possibly still alive? How is his heart still pumping blood? Surely by now, it is broken cleanly in half.

He stands in the shower, wasting water. Baekhyun thinks about what Sehun would say. Something about killing the planet. He tries to imagine the voice, whiny, and he laughs, laughs so hard that his stomach hurts, and God, he is pathetic, he is so fucking pathetic and sad, and the laughter goes rancid as he starts to cry. 

He feels Sehun’s hand on him, phantom energy, and he cries harder, tries to stop but ends up worsening it. God, it hurts. It hurts in his chest. No one’s ever hurt like this, he’s sure of it. They wouldn’t have survived it. They would have died, the same way he is dying. 

He barely holds himself together, everything inside him fastened together with the lost twist ties and plastic clips from bread bags. 

He towels himself off while staring at his red eyes in the fogged mirror, reminding himself that life goes on. That the world keeps turning. That nothing stops just for a dead boy, no matter how special, no matter how important.  
  


∅

  
  
The first time he sees Sehun again, it is one day later in the terrible morning. He is sure that he is still dreaming, that his eyes are deceiving him. Sehun is not ghostly pale, not blue in hue. Baekhyun squints him away until he’s gone.

He sleepily reaches for his phone, Googles _seeing ghost of dead fiance_ , and the first result yields a humor piece entitled _My Husband Died and Now His Ghost Wants Anal_. 

Baekhyun smiles at the strange cosmic joke, and he falls back to sleep. He’s got a few more hours until he has to look pretty.  
  


∅

  
  
“I-I don’t know how to say any of this,” Baekhyun stutters. And he holds the wood of the pulpit, trying to divine some strength from somewhere. God, he guesses. “I don’t want to have to say any of this. So I’m going to… keep it short and sweet, and I’m just going to try my best. That’s what… that’s what he would say, I think. Just try your best. So this is my best.”

He looks out, sees so many faces that he doesn’t know. That’s the effect of someone so magnanimous. Someone so altruistic and _good_. You get a funeral so big they run out of flags. 

“You all knew him,” Baekhyun says. “You knew what he was. And I don’t have to tell you, I don’t have to say _he was kind, he was funny, he was smart._ We’re all here because we knew that. Because we’re sad that that light is gone.” 

He wants it to be over. He wants to be anywhere else. He wants Sehun to be alive. And he wants no part of this. No more, he thinks. No more. 

“I wrote new vows today,” he says, and he unfolds the paper with shaking hands, salt falling down his face. “I promise to always look for the good because I know that’s where I will find you. I promise to find new ways to love you. I promise to always try my best. I promise to live the life we wanted.”

He is dead, he is _dead_. 

“And I promise that I will _always_ be yours,” he finishes, voice cracking so mightily that it shakes him. “Eternally.” 

Gone. Gone, gone, gone.  
  


∅

  
  
The second time, he is wide awake, and he is standing in the kitchen, a burrito from Chipotle in his hand.

“Stop,” Baekhyun says, and he tries to stem the tide of emotions, welling in his heart and his eyes, “stop, go away.” 

Sehun looks clearer now, less foggy than the first time, and it scares Baekhyun, scares him right down to the fucking core. He stumbles back, and the visage, it advances. 

“It’s okay,” Sehun says. “Please, it’s okay.” 

“It’s _not_ okay. _Nothing_ is okay.” 

“I’m here,” Sehun says, and he opens his arms. “I’m here because you called.” 

Baekhyun backs away until his ass hits the granite counter top. 

“Stop,” Baekhyun says. “Stop, go away, please.” 

And just like that, the vision dissipates, almost like Baekhyun was the one in control the whole while.  
  


∅

  
  
The third time, a week later, Sehun appears as Baekhyun is resting on the couch, a large glass of white wine in his free hand.

He has to file for FMLA, and he has his laptop open as he fills out forms. And there, there he is. The reason for all the fucking paperwork. 

“What is going on?” Baekhyun asks, tired as the tears start to fall again, unbidden. “Please, just…” 

“I’m here because you won’t let me go,” Sehun says, and he reaches out, the cold nothingness of his hand against Baekhyun’s face. “I’m sorry. I don’t… I don’t mean to upset you.” 

“Great,” Baekhyun sobs. “Thanks. I didn’t realize I had to move on within a fucking week. Like, God, I’m already getting enough of this from work.” 

“I’m sorry.” A cold nothing hand petting along his face. “I wish… I wish things were different. I wish I…” 

What is he doing? Why is he so angry? Why is he yelling at him? He should... he should be _grateful_ for this opportunity. 

“ _Don’t_. I’m sorry, I… it wasn’t your fault. You don’t get to apologize.” 

“I just want to be able to hold you,” Sehun says. “And I’m sorry that I can’t. I… I love you.” 

Baekhyun weeps, nearly screams, “I love you. I love you so much.” 

Tragic accidents happen every day, but God damn it, why couldn’t it have been anyone else? 

Sehun never would have thought something so cruel, and Baekhyun hates himself, hates himself. Hates everything.  
  


∅

  
  
Sehun is a fixture, same as he always was, and after the shock, Baekhyun finds great comfort in his presence. He has lost, but he has not lost it all. He gets… he gets something special. And now, he will not let it go.

“Lay with me,” Baekhyun says, and he falls to the bed, smiling up at Sehun. “Come on. I’m tired.” 

Sehun floats, _floats_ down, and he curls his arm underneath his head, staring into Baekhyun’s eyes. 

“Just for a little,” Sehun says. “You shouldn’t… we shouldn’t get used to this. We shouldn’t… Baekhyun, we _can’t_ be together for much longer.” 

“Just a little while,” he says, eyes staring at the ghostly blue of Sehun’s. “I promise, just a little while longer.”  
  


∅

  
  
Their life doesn’t change. Baekhyun deals with the dissolution of their wedding plans, and he cancels the honeymoon despite Junmyeon’s insistence that Sehun would want him to go.

“He’s right,” Sehun says. “You should go. I want you to go.” 

“You’re not in Tokyo, so why should _I_ be in Tokyo?” 

Baekhyun putters around the kitchen, sorting silverware. There is quiet, but Baekhyun doesn’t mind. He has found a lot of peace in quiet. 

“I’m worried,” Sehun says, and when Baekhyun turns to face him, he flickers. 

“Why?” 

“You don’t seem… I don’t know,” he says. “You seem upset.” 

“What are you talking about? I’ve got you,” Baekhyun says. “I’m good. I’m great.” 

Sehun frowns at him, and Baekhyun smiles, stepping forward onto his tip toes. He cannot hold Sehun’s face, but his hands go to the pale blue cheeks anyway. 

“I promise,” Baekhyun says, just another vow.  
  


∅

  
  
One month turns to two, and Sehun is still there, right where Baekhyun left him.

Baekhyun does not want to return to work, but he does. He breaks down in the bathroom, almost can’t make it back to his desk, and when he gets home from work, he calls Sehun’s name. Starts searching for him wildly. 

“Sehun,” he calls, half-possessed, “Sehun, where did you go?” 

_Oh no_ , he thinks. _Oh no, I’ve ruined it all again. He’s gone. He’s gone for good._

Hysterical, heaving tears start to pour down his face, but then, he turns the corner, and he sees a cloud of blue. 

“Oh fucking _thank God_ ,” he cries. “I thought I’d lost you. I thought you were gone.” 

Sehun looks so sad, but Baekhyun throws his arms around nothing, holds the nothingness close.  
  


∅

  
  
Time passes. Lots of time. Six months worth of it. It feels like nothing. Feels like the blink of a fucking eye.

Junmyeon comes over, and he is judgy. Sehun sits right next to him, and Junmyeon doesn’t notice. Baekhyun finds a significant amount of humor in that, but Junmyeon… he does not find it so funny. 

“I’m serious,” he says, forehead wrinkled with concern. “I’m genuinely, like, I don’t know if you’re okay. I mean, I _know_ you’re not okay, but… but we need to start building towards okay, right?” 

“Right,” Baekhyun smiles. “We’re getting there. Step by step. Day by day.” 

“It really doesn’t feel like you’re… like you’re even listening to me. Or anyone. Like, your mom called me. She’s worried too. I mean, have you ever thought about therapy? I’ve heard grie—”

“I’m not going to therapy,” Baekhyun says. He would have to leave the house more than he’d like to. “Sorry. I’ll try not to scare anyone anymore.”

“Baekhyun, that’s… I’m sorry. I get that you’re not in the mood for this kind of conversation,” Junmyeon says, and he turns back to the television show, tears in his eyes. 

_Stop crying_ , he thinks. _Everything’s fine._  
  


∅

  
  
Sehun doesn’t talk much after that. Baekhyun tries to ask what’s wrong, but Sehun keeps it all tied up. He doesn’t remember him being like that.

Baekhyun chases him through the house, attempting to corner him. It does not work well. 

“You need to talk to me,” Baekhyun shouts to the wall once Sehun flies through it. “We need to be able to _communicate_.” 

There is a reckoning, and it comes from the ceiling fan. 

Sehun floats down, and he looks so angry that tears leap to Baekhyun’s eyes. _What’s going on? What did I do?_

“You need to communicate with _other people_ ,” Sehun says, and he looks so sad and hurt that it breaks Baekhyun’s heart, shatters what little’s left. “I can’t… I can’t _be_ that for you anymore, baby. I can’t fucking… I’m _sorry_ , I wish I could but I’m… I’m supposed to be gone, and it’s so hard to see you like this.” 

“Like what?” Baekhyun whimpers. “Like _what?_ ” 

“So broken. And pretending to be okay.” 

“But you’re here. You’re here, and I’m okay.”

“I’m not here,” Sehun says, and he puts his hand through Baekhyun’s chest. “Look. I’m not here, and you’re not okay.”  
  


∅

  
  
Baekhyun lays his body in the center of the bed, and Sehun faces across from him. He looks a little less opaque now. A little more distant.

“It’s good,” Sehun says, soft voice soothing. “It’s good that I’m going.” 

_No, it’s not_ , Baekhyun’s heart says. _Don’t go anywhere. Stay right here forever. Stay with me. Please, stay with me._

“I know,” Baekhyun says, sniffing as the tears fall onto the sheets. “I know, I’m sorry.” 

“No,” Sehun praises, “no, you’re doing so well. You’re doing such a good job. And I’m so proud of you. I love you so much. Remember that, okay?” He reaches out. Cold. Nothing. “I’ll always love you. Find someone. Find something to help. I want you to be happy. I really do. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” 

“I love you,” Baekhyun says. “I _loved_ you. So fucking much, baby.” 

“I know.” 

“I’m not okay,” Baekhyun admits, and the guilt that rises in his stomach is nearly overwhelming. “I’m not okay, but I think maybe I could be someday.” 

“There,” Sehun says, and his face starts to fade, starts to flicker away for good, “that’s it. Now you’re doing it. You _will_ be okay.” 

“I’m not okay, but I _will_ be someday,” Baekhyun says, closing his eyes. “I’m not okay, but I will be someday.” 

He chants it over and over again, a mantra, branding the words into his head, and by the time he opens his eyes, Sehun is gone, the bedroom is empty, and he is alone. 

He is not okay, but he will be someday.

**Author's Note:**

> been dealing a lot with death in the past couple months, and i needed to like, write my feelings. im sorry, sometimes u just need to like, confront ur emotions and allow urself to be sad even tho it sucks. i dont know what my point was. im just a little depression right now lkasja
> 
> anyway. i hope you enjoyed it. i literally just sat down and ,,,,, Wrote it just now as a sort of ,,, way to clear a block in my mind, i guess. so if its not up to par, thats my b. 
> 
> thanks for reading along. i appreciate it more than you could possibly know. 
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/okamiwind) | [my curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/okamiwind)


End file.
